The Certain Hour (Dizain des Poëtes) Page 28

  THE IRRESISTIBLE OGLE

  The devotion of Mr. Sheridan to the Dean of Winchester's daughter, MissEsther Jane Ogle--or "the irresistible Ogle," as she was toasted at theKit-cat--was now a circumstance to be assumed in the polite world ofLondon. As a result, when the parliamentarian followed her intoScotland, in the spring of 1795, people only shrugged.

  "Because it proves that misery loves company," was Mr. Fox'sobservation at Wattier's, hard upon two in the morning. "Poor Sherry,as an inconsolable widower, must naturally have some one to share hisgrief. He perfectly comprehends that no one will lament the death ofhis wife more fervently than her successor."

  In London Mr. Fox thus worded his interpretation of the matter; andspoke, oddly enough, at the very moment that in Edinburgh Mr. Sheridanreturned to his lodgings in Abercromby Place, deep in the reminiscencesof a fortunate evening at cards. In consequence, Mr. Sheridan enteredthe room so quietly that the young man who was employed in turning overthe contents of the top bureau-drawer was taken unprepared.

  But in the marauder's nature, as far as resolution went, was littlelacking. "Silence!" he ordered, and with the mandate a pistol wasleveled upon the representative for the borough of Stafford. "One cryfor help, and you perish like a dog. I warn you that I am a desperateman."

  "Now, even at a hazard of discourtesy, I must make bold to questionyour statement," said Mr. Sheridan, "although, indeed, it is not somuch the recklessness as the masculinity which I dare call intodispute."

  He continued, in his best parliamentary manner, a happy blending ofreproach, omniscience and pardon. "Only two months ago," said Mr.Sheridan, "I was so fortunate as to encounter a lady who, alike throughthe attractions of her person and the sprightliness of herconversation, convinced me I was on the road to fall in love after thehigh fashion of a popular romance. I accordingly make her adeclaration. I am rejected. I besiege her with the customaryartillery of sonnets, bouquets, serenades, bonbons, theater-tickets andthreats of suicide. In fine, I contract the habit of proposing to MissOgle on every Wednesday; and so strong is my infatuation that I followher as far into the north as Edinburgh in order to secure my eleventhrejection at half-past ten last evening."

  "I fail to understand," remarked the burglar, "how all this prolixaccount of your amours can possibly concern me."

  "You are at least somewhat involved in the deplorable climax," Mr.Sheridan returned. "For behold! at two in the morning I discover theobject of my adoration and the daughter of an estimable prelate, mostcalumniously clad and busily employed in rumpling my supply of cravats.If ever any lover was thrust into a more ambiguous position, madam,historians have touched on his dilemma with marked reticence."

  He saw--and he admired--the flush which mounted to his visitor's brow.And then, "I must concede that appearances are against me, Mr.Sheridan," the beautiful intruder said. "And I hasten to protest thatmy presence in your apartments at this hour is prompted by no unworthymotive. I merely came to steal the famous diamond which you broughtfrom London--the Honor of Eiran."

  "Incomparable Esther Jane," ran Mr. Sheridan's answer, "that stone isnow part of a brooch which was this afternoon returned to my cousin's,the Earl of Eiran's, hunting-lodge near Melrose. He intends the gemwhich you are vainly seeking among my haberdashery to be the adornmentof his promised bride in the ensuing June. I confess to nooverwhelming admiration as concerns this raucous if meritorious youngperson; and will even concede that the thought of her becoming mykinswoman rouses in me an inevitable distaste, no less attributable tothe discord of her features than to the source of her eligibility todisfigure the peerage--that being her father's lucrative transactionsin Pork, which I find indigestible in any form."

  "A truce to paltering!" Miss Ogle cried. "That jewel was stolen fromthe temple at Moorshedabad, by the Earl of Eiran's grandfather, duringthe confusion necessarily attendant on the glorious battle of Plassy."She laid down the pistol, and resumed in milder tones: "From anage-long existence as the left eye of Ganesh it was thus converted intothe loot of an invader. To restore this diamond to its lawful,although no doubt polygamous and inefficiently-attired proprietors isat this date impossible. But, oh! what claim have you to itspossession?"

  "Why, none whatever," said the parliamentarian; "and to contend as muchwould be the apex of unreason. For this diamond belongs, of course, tomy cousin the Earl of Eiran----"

  "As a thief's legacy!" She spoke with signs of irritation.

  "Eh, eh, you go too fast! Eiran, to do him justice, is not a graduatein peculation. At worst, he is only the sort of fool one's cousinsordinarily are."

  The trousered lady walked to and fro for a while, with the impatienceof a caged lioness. "I perceive I must go more deeply into matters,"Miss Ogle remarked, and, with that habitual gesture which he fondlyrecognized, brushed back a straying lock of hair. "In any event," shecontinued, "you cannot with reason deny that the world's wealth isinequitably distributed?"

  "Madam," Mr. Sheridan returned, "as a member of Parliament, I havenecessarily made it a rule never to understand political economy. Itis as apt as not to prove you are selling your vote to the wrong sideof the House, and that hurts one's conscience."

  "Ah, that is because you are a man. Men are not practical. None ofyou has ever dared to insist on his opinion about anything until he hadsecured the cowardly corroboration of a fact or so to endorse him. Itis a pity. Yet, since through no fault of yours your sex is invariablymisled by its hallucinations as to the importance of being rational, Iwill refrain from logic and statistics. In a word, I simply inform youthat I am a member of the League of Philanthropic Larcenists."

  "I had not previously heard of this organization," said Mr. Sheridan,and not without suspecting his response to be a masterpiece in theinadequate.

  "Our object is the benefit of society at large," Miss Ogle explained;"and our obstacles so far have been, in chief, the fetish ofproprietary rights and the ubiquity of the police."

  And with that she seated herself and told him of the league's inceptionby a handful of reflective persons, admirers of Rousseau and convertsto his tenets, who were resolved to better the circumstances of theindigent. With amiable ardor Miss Ogle explained how from the petitlarcenies of charity-balls and personally solicited subscriptions theleague had mounted to an ampler field of depredation; and through whatmeans it now took toll from every form of wealth unrighteouslyacquired. Divertingly she described her personal experiences in theseparation of usurers, thieves, financiers, hereditary noblemen,popular authors, and other social parasites, from the ill-got profitsof their disreputable vocations. And her account of how, on thepreceding Tuesday, she, single-handed, had robbed Sir AlexanderMcRae--who then enjoyed a fortune and an enviable reputation forphilanthropy, thanks to the combination of glucose, vitriol and otherchemicals which he prepared under the humorous pretext of manufacturingbeer--wrung high encomiums from Mr. Sheridan.

  "The proceeds of these endeavors," Miss Ogle added, "areconscientiously devoted to ameliorating the condition of meritoriouspaupers. I would be happy to submit to you our annual report. Thenyou may judge for yourself how many families we have snatched from thedepths of poverty and habitual intoxication to the comparative comfortof a vine-embowered cottage."

  Mr. Sheridan replied: "I have not ever known of any case whereadoration needed an affidavit for foundation. Oh, no, incomparableEsther Jane! I am not in a position to be solaced by the reports of acorresponding secretary. I gave my heart long since; to-night I flingmy confidence into the bargain; and am resolved to serve wholeheartedlythe cause to which you are devoted. In consequence, I venture topropose my name for membership in the enterprise you advocate andindescribably adorn."

  Miss Ogle was all one blush, such was the fervor of his utterance."But first you must win your spurs, Mr. Sheridan. I confess you arenot abhorrent to me," she hurried on, "for you are the mostfascinatingly hideous man I have ever seen; and it was always theapprehension that you might look on burglary as an
unmaidenly avocationwhich has compelled me to discourage your addresses. Now all is plain;and should you happen to distinguish yourself in robbery of thecriminally opulent, you will have, I believe, no reason to complain ofa twelfth refusal. I cannot modestly say more."

  He laughed. "It is a bargain. We will agree that I bereave someperson of either stolen or unearned property, say, to the value ofL10,000----" And with his usual carefulness in such matters, Mr.Sheridan entered the wager in his notebook.

  She yielded him her hand in token of assent. And he, depend upon it,kissed that velvet trifle fondly.

  "And now," said Mr. Sheridan, "to-morrow we will visit Bemerside andobtain possession of that crystal which is in train to render me thehappiest of men. The task will be an easy one, as Eiran is now inEngland, and his servants for the most part are my familiars."

  "I agree to your proposal," she answered. "But this diamond is myallotted quarry; and any assistance you may render me in procuring itwill not, of course, affect in any way our bargain. On thispoint"--she spoke with a break of laughter--"I am as headstrong as anallegory on the banks of the Nile."

  "To quote an author to his face," lamented Mr. Sheridan, "is bribery asgross as it is efficacious. I must unwillingly consent to yourexorbitant demands, for you are, as always, the irresistible Ogle."

  Miss Ogle bowed her gratitude; and, declining Mr. Sheridan's escort,for fear of arousing gossip by being seen upon the street with him atthis late hour, preferred to avoid any appearance of indecorum byclimbing down the kitchen roof.

  When she had gone, Mr. Sheridan very gallantly attempted a set ofverses. But the Muse was not to be wooed to-night, and stayedobstinately coy.

  Mr. Sheridan reflected, rather forlornly, that he wrote nothingnowadays. There was, of course, his great comedy, _Affectation_, hismasterpiece which he meant to finish at one time or another; yet, atthe bottom of his heart, he knew that he would never finish it. But,then, deuce take posterity! for to have written the best comedy, thebest farce, and the best burlesque as well, that England had everknown, was a very prodigal wiping-out of every obligation towardposterity. Boys thought a deal about posterity, as he remembered; buta sensible man would bear in mind that all this world's delicacies--itsmerry diversions, its venison and old wines, its handsomely-bound booksand fiery-hearted jewels and sumptuous clothings, all its lovely thingsthat can be touched and handled, and more especially its ear-ticklingapplause--were to be won, if ever, from one's contemporaries. Andpeople were generous toward social, rather than literary, talents forthe sensible reason that they derived more pleasure from an agreeablecompanion at dinner than from having a rainy afternoon renderedendurable by some book or another. So the parliamentarian sensiblywent to bed.

  Miss Ogle during this Scottish trip was accompanied by her father, thevenerable Dean of Winchester. The Dean, although in all things worthyof implicit confidence, was not next day informed of the intendedexpedition, in deference to public opinion, which, as Miss Ogle pointedout, regards a clergyman's participation in a technical felony withdisapproval.

  Miss Ogle, therefore, radiant in a becoming gown of pink lute-string,left Edinburgh the following morning under cover of a subterfuge, andwith Mr. Sheridan as her only escort. He was at pains to adorn thisrole with so many happy touches of courtesy and amiability that theirconfinement in the postchaise appeared to both of incredible brevity.

  When they had reached Melrose another chaise was ordered to convey themto Bemerside; and pending its forthcoming Mr. Sheridan and Miss Oglestrolled among the famous ruins of Melrose Abbey. The parliamentarianhad caused his hair to be exuberantly curled that morning, and figuredto advantage in a plum-colored coat and a saffron waistcoat spriggedwith forget-me-nots. He chatted entertainingly concerning the SecondPointed style of architecture; translated many of the epitaphs; and wasabundant in interesting information as to Robert Bruce, and MichaelScott, and the rencounter of Chevy Chase.

  "Oh, but observe," said Mr. Sheridan, more lately, "our only coveringis the dome of heaven. Yet in their time these aisles were populous,and here a score of generations have besought what earth does notafford--now where the banners of crusaders waved the ivy flutters, andthere is no incense in this consecrated house except the breath of thewild rose."

  "The moral is an old one," she returned. "Mummy is become merchandise,Mizraim cures wounds, and Pharaoh is sold for balsams."

  "You are a reader, madam?" he observed, with some surprise; and hecontinued: "Indeed, my thoughts were on another trail. I wasconsidering that the demolishers of this place--those English armies,those followers of John Knox--were actuated by the highest and mostlaudable of motives. As a result we find the house of Heaven convertedinto a dustheap."

  "I believe you attempt an apologue," she said, indignantly. "Upon myword, I think you would insinuate that philanthropy, when forced tomanifest itself through embezzlement, is a less womanly employment thanthe darning of stockings!"

  "Whom the cap fits----" he answered, with a bow. "Indeed, incomparableEsther Jane, I had said nothing whatever touching hosiery; and it wasequally remote from my intentions to set up as a milliner."

  They lunched at Bemerside, where Mr. Sheridan was cordially received bythe steward, and a well-chosen repast was placed at their disposal.

  "Fergus," Mr. Sheridan observed, as they chatted over their dessertconcerning famous gems--in which direction talk had been adroitlysteered"--Fergus, since we are on the topic, I would like to show MissOgle the Honor of Eiran."

  The Honor of Eiran was accordingly produced from a blue velvet case,and was properly admired. Then, when the steward had been dismissed tofetch a rare liqueur, Mr. Sheridan laughed, and tossed and caught thejewel, as though he handled a cricket-ball. It was the size of apigeon's egg, and was set among eight gems of lesser magnitude; and intransit through the sunlight the trinket flashed and glittered withdiabolical beauty. The parliamentarian placed three bits of sugar inthe velvet case and handed the gem to his companion.

  "The bulk is much the same," he observed; "and whether the carbon becrystallized or no, is the responsibility of stratigraphic geology.Fergus, perhaps, must go to jail. That is unfortunate. But truephilanthropy works toward the benefit of the greatest number possible;and this resplendent pebble will purchase you innumerable pounds of teaand a warehouseful of blankets."

  "But, Mr. Sheridan," Miss Ogle cried, in horror, "to take this broochwould not be honest!"

  "Oh, as to that----!" he shrugged.

  "----because Lord Eiran purchased all these lesser diamonds, and verypossibly paid for them."

  Then Mr. Sheridan reflected, stood abashed, and said: "IncomparableEsther Jane, I confess I am only a man. You are entirely right. Topurloin any of these little diamonds would be an abominable action,whereas to make off with the only valuable one is simply a stroke ofretribution. I will, therefore, attempt to prise it out with anutpick."

  Three constables came suddenly into the room. "We hae been tauld thismissy is a suspectit thieving body," their leader cried. "Esther JaneOgle, ye maun gae with us i' the law's name. Ou ay, lass, ye ken weeleneugh wha robbit auld Sir Aleexander McRae, sae dinna ye say naethingtae your ain preejudice, lest ye hae tae account for it a'."

  Mr. Sheridan rose to the occasion. "My exceedingly good friend, AngusHowden! I am unwilling to concede that yeomen can excel in gentlemanlyaccomplishments, but it is only charity to suppose all three of you asdrunk as any duke that ever honored me with his acquaintance." This hedrawled, and appeared magisterially to await an explanation.

  "Hout, Mr. Sheridan," commenced the leading representative of justice,"let that flee stick i' the wa'--e dinna mean tae tell me, Sir, that yeare acquaintit wi' this--ou ay, tae pleasure ye, I micht e'en say wi'this----"

  "This lady, probably?" Mr. Sheridan hazarded.

  "'Tis an unco thing," the constable declared, "but that wad be the wordwas amaist at my tongue's tip."

  "Why, undoubtedly," Mr. Sheridan assented. "I r
ejoice that, being ofFrench extraction, and unconversant with your somewhat cryptic patois,the lady in question is the less likely to have been sickened by yourextravagances in the way of misapprehension. I candidly confess suchimbecility annoys me. What!" he cried out, "what if I marry! ismatrimony to be ranked with arson? And what if my cousin, Eiran,affords me a hiding-place wherein to sneak through our honeymoon afterthe cowardly fashion of all modern married couples! Am I inconsequence compelled to submit to the invasions of an intoxicatedconstabulary?" His rage was terrific.

  "_Voila la seule devise. Ils me connaissent, ils ont confidence dansmoi. Si, taisez-vous! Si non, vous serez arretee et mise dans laprison, comme une caractere suspicieuse!_" Mr. Sheridan exhorted MissOgle to this intent with more of earnestness than linguisticperfection; and he rejoiced to see that instantly she caught at her onechance of plausibly accounting for her presence at Bemerside, and ofeffecting a rescue from this horrid situation.

  "But I also spik the English," she sprightlily announced. "I amappleed myself at to learn its by heart. Certainly you look for aneedle in a hay bundle, my gentlemans. I am no stealer of the grandroad, but the wife of Mistaire Sheridan, and her presence will say toyou the remains."

  "You see!" cried Mr. Sheridan, in modest triumph. "In short, I am abridegroom unwarrantably interrupted in his first _tete-a-tete_, I amresponsible for this lady and all her past and its appurtenances; and,in a phrase, for everything except the course of conduct I willundoubtedly pursue should you be visible at the conclusion of the nextfive minutes."

  His emphasis was such that the police withdrew with a concomitant ofapologies.

  "And now I claim my bond," said Mr. Sheridan, when they were once againfree from intrusion. "For we two are in Scotland, where the commondeclaration of a man and woman that they are married constitutes amarriage."

  "Oh----!" she exclaimed, and stood encrimsoned.

  "Indeed, I must confess that the day's work has been a trickthroughout. The diamond was pawned years ago. This trinket here is acopy in paste and worth perhaps some seven shillings sixpence. Andthose fellows were not constables, but just my cousin Eiran and twofootmen in disguise. Nay, madam, you will learn with experience thatto display unfailing candor is not without exception the price ofhappiness."

  "But this, I think, evades our bargain, Mr. Sheridan. For you werecommitted to pilfer property to the value of L10,000----"

  "And to fulfil the obligation I have stolen your hand in marriage.What, madam! do you indeed pretend that any person outside of Bedlamwould value you at less? Believe me, your perfections are of far moreworth. All persons recognize that save yourself, incomparable EstherJane; and yet, so patent is the proof of my contention, I dare to leavethe verdict to your sense of justice."

  Miss Ogle did not speak. Her lashes fell as, with some ceremony, heled her to the long French mirror which was in the breakfast room."See now!" said Mr. Sheridan. "You, who endanger life and fame inorder to provide a mendicant with gruel, tracts and blankets! You, whodeny a sop to the one hunger which is vital! Oh, madam, I am temptedglibly to compare your eyes to sapphires, and your hair to thin-spungold, and the color of your flesh to the arbutus-flower--for that, asyou can see, would be within the truth, and it would please most women,and afterward they would not be so obdurate. But you are not likeother women," Mr. Sheridan observed, with admirable dexterity. "And Iaspire to you, the irresistible Ogle! you, who so great-heartedlybefriend the beggar! you, who with such industry contrive alleviationfor the discomforts of poverty. Eh, eh! what will you grant to anybeggar such as I? Will you deny a sop to the one hunger which isvital?" He spoke with unaccustomed vigor, even in a sort of terror,because he knew that he was speaking with sincerity.

  "To the one hunger which is vital!" he repeated. "Ah, where lies thesecret which makes one face the dearest in the world, and entrusts toone little hand a life's happiness as a plaything? All Aristotle'slearning could not unriddle the mystery, and Samson's thews wereimpotent to break that spell. Love vanquishes all. . . . You wouldremind me of some previous skirmishings with Venus's unconquerablebrat? Nay, madam, to the contrary, the fact that I have loved manyother women is my strongest plea for toleration. Were there nothingelse, it is indisputable we perform all actions better for havingrehearsed them. No, we do not of necessity perform them the morethoughtlessly as well; for, indeed, I find that with experience a manbecomes increasingly difficult to please in affairs of the heart. Thewoman one loves then is granted that pre-eminence not merely by virtueof having outshone any particular one of her predecessors; oh, no!instead, her qualities have been compared with all the charms of allher fair forerunners, and they have endured that stringent testing.The winning of an often-bartered heart is in reality the only conquestwhich entitles a woman to complacency, for she has received a realcompliment; whereas to be selected as the target of a lad's firstdeclaration is a tribute of no more value than a man's opinion uponvintages who has never tasted wine."

  He took a turn about the breakfast room, then came near to her. "Ilove you. Were there any way to parade the circumstance and bedeck itwith pleasing adornments of filed phrases, tropes and far-fetchedsimiles, I would not grudge you a deal of verbal pageantry. But threewords say all. I love you. There is no act in my past life butappears trivial and strange to me, and to the man who performed it Iseem no more akin than to Mark Antony or Nebuchadnezzar. I love you.The skies are bluer since you came, the beauty of this world we live inoppresses me with a fearful joy, and in my heart there is always thethought of you and such yearning as I may not word. For I love you."

  "You--but you have frightened me." Miss Ogle did not seem so terrifiedas to make any effort to recede from him; and yet he saw that she wasfrightened in sober earnest. Her face showed pale, and soft, and glad,and awed, and desirable above all things; and it remained so near himas to engender riotous aspirations.

  "I love you," he said again. You would never have suspected this mancould speak, upon occasion, fluently. "I think--I think that Heavenwas prodigal when Heaven made you. To think of you is as if I listenedto an exalted music; and to be with you is to understand that allimaginable sorrows are just the figments of a dream which I had verylong ago."

  She laid one hand on each of his shoulders, facing him. "Do not let mebe too much afraid! I have not ever been afraid before. Oh,everything is in a mist of gold, and I am afraid of you, and of the biguniverse which I was born into, and I am helpless, and I would havenothing changed! Only, I cannot believe I am worth L10,000, and I doso want to be persuaded I am. It is a great pity," she sighed, "thatyou who convicted Warren Hastings of stealing such enormous wealthcannot be quite as eloquent to-day as you were in the Oudh speech, andconvince me his arraigner has been equally rapacious!"

  "I mean to prove as much--with time," said Mr. Sheridan. His breathingwas yet perfunctory.

  Miss Ogle murmured, "And how long would you require?"

  "Why, I intend, with your permission, to devote the remainder of myexistence to the task. Eh, I concede that space too brief for anyadequate discussion of the topic; but I will try to be concise and verypractical----"

  She laughed. They were content. "Try, then----" Miss Ogle said.

  She was able to get no farther in the sentence, for reasons which toparticularize would be indiscreet.